To follow on from our previous conversation somewhat, Kari, I'd like to chat about Observation and the key role it plays in our quest for Abundance.
In illustrating this topic, I refer to the following quotation by Scottish psychiatrist, Ronald David Laing (1927-1989): "The Range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little that we can do to change, until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds."
Due to the 'busy-ness' in our everyday lives; the clutter of thoughts, worries and assessments that infest our consciousness, we allow so many important details and universal messages to pass us by... In other words, we've forgotten how to observe — or at the very least, we limit our observations to what we know.
From an Ontological perspective, I'll focus on our Language — our spoken language (i.e. our communication with others); our body language (what our physicality is 'saying') and the language of our thinking (what stories are going on in our minds).
As a Transformational and Ontological Coach, I look to Language as being one of the key factors of observation, when working with a client, and during the PowaForce and PowaChange workshops. I observe one's Way of Being as a whole and draw attention to Language in terms of what's being 'said' and, more importantly, what's 'not said' — in a similar way I suppose to Sherlock Holmes, when seeking out that which is not immediately apparent in his convoluted mysteries. The solutions most often emerge out of what was not seen or said; what others have failed to notice...
Now, just because Transformational and Ontological Coaching happens to be my chosen field or domain, certainly doesn't preclude me from failing to notice a great deal about my own experience of the world I live in. This I made clear in the previous conversation about "What we Don't Know that we Don't Know"!
Perhaps you could share your own understanding of this topic, Kari?
You know, Guy, this is a very important thing to talk about! The way we speak and act and most certanly obsere, tells so much about what's going on in a person. Again I think of the conflict between who we really are, what are our strengths and potentials, and what have we learned to become. Therein lie so many blockages to Abundance and Success.
Just think about how many times a child is corrected before starting school, when showing emotions like anger, sorrow, confusion and even laughter and joy! Slowly, or maybe not so slowly sometimes, we teach our children the correct way of behaving, we even tell them what to think and not to think. We've all been there and we don't recognize it today, the way we talk and the way we observe has become a habit! We believe we know who we are and when other people project to us what we send out, we tend to blame them! Be it our spouce, family members, working collegues, the boss, friends... whoever it is.
What I've learned from observing my own life and my own way of speaking, is that there are things I don't want to talk about, repeatedly, and I've been an expert in hiding them. And there are things I tell myself over and over, I even tell other people, I joke about it and I belive it... And it becomes reality, for me. Even if it doesn't seem like that to others.
I just came to realize one of those things, which I had made my truth, from a coaching session with you, on Skype. I remember I felt very confused that day, and told you in a text message. You immediately asked if we could Skype. And again, there is a whole world between you in South Africa and me in Norway! We didn't use video, so all you had to work on was my voice, what I said and didn't say.
I didn't know why I was so confused, why there was so much in my life that was changing. You asked me how it felt, what syptoms did it give me, and suddenly I realized that my thing was that I didn't feel I had a home! You asked me one question that changed the whole situation: "What is home for you, Kari?" Hmmm, that left me speechless. And I realized I had difficulty with that answer! I just didn't know! And I had to, just like you did when I treated you, let go of everythng I thought I knew, to let the answer come...
Because I obviously have lived somewhere all my life... So what was it? I then realized I've said that my whole grown up life! Even if I did have a home! I told myself over and over and I even made it my truth. And it was a lie...
How did you get into that? All I felt was this confusion and lack of energy... And let me just point out that as soon as I did understand what my confusion was, I could throw it away, like old socks I didn't need anymore..
Can you tell more about how you worked and what you actually did?
I love the way you describe your process of realisation, Kari!
Well, to answer your question, all I did was observe (through listening) that important aspect of your Way of Being — your Language... The manner in which the tone of your voice expressed your underlying or unconscious emotional state.
I must explain here, that your Way of Being constitutes three facets — your Body (physicality), your Moods (emotions) and your Language. All three of these facets combine to project your Way of Being and it's therefore very difficult, if not impossible, to hide truths and pass over what you don't want to address through your Way of Being.
In your case, Kari, I was asking questions and allowing you to share your thoughts with me — the wanderings of your mind. When you mentioned that "I have a home, so it's not about that..." and immediately moved on to the next thought process, my observation was that in one brief statement, and in your haste to move on, you left a vast story untold... This is when I stopped you and asked you to rewind to this word "Home" and what it really meant to you.
I understand that when someone wants to shut the closet door in a hurry, then that door represents a barrier — and behind that door lies a whole lot of nasty stuff that's holding you back in some way. So I asked you to open your door about "Home" and see what was actually behind it...
As a Coach, I need not do more than that, as it's not me, but YOU who holds all of the answers and solutions to your own difficulties — I simply show you where to look! The same applies as Trainer on the PowaForce Forum. I see myself as the bus driver, ensuring that my 'passengers' are taken safely through the various processes on their journey towards discovering their fullest potential. I need not mention that there are good bus drivers and not-so-good bus drivers — yet another opportunity to observe!
I refer to the training as a 'bus,' because although each trainee has a unique experience, everyone in the training room shares and feeds off the collective energy, knowing that even if it may be difficult for some and easy for others, they are never alone — we're all on the same 'bus'! For myself as Trainer, each and every training is a unique experience, with a different dynamic and Way of Being, because each time, there is a new Language, new Observations to be made, and so much more to Notice!
What fascinates me most about these things is that it is so obvious and yet so hidden. In my case I suddenly realized I had told myself that phrase over and over: "I don't have a home, I just live here..." Or, when I was irritated over all the mess of other family members (of course, not me!) had made in the house: "...... I just work here..!
So, whatever was behind that door, when open it I could suddenly see how I've programmed myself to believe an illusion about my life. That again, leeds me to the fact that we all, no matter how determined we are, that we have full control over our life, mostly of what we believe is the truth, are just illusions.
And, think about it, Guy...: How can it be possible to build anything, on something that isn't there in the first place...? Something we just believe is there.
Like, when I was under 6, we lived close to a river. I was sure that my parents didn't love me anymore, because all the other children were told to stay away from the river, and the reason was that a big monster lived there. This big monster used to drown children!
My parents told me that I had to stay away because I couldn't swim yet, and it was dangerous for me if I fell in and nobody was there to help me...
I knew that!! But why didn't they tell me about the monster..???
After a long period thinking about it, I asked my mother why they wouldn't tell me. She laughed and told me that was just a story told to scare children to stay away. That's when I really got worried!!!
Could all the other parents be so cruel to say things like that to a child? I didn't believe that at all, so now I was certain she didn't love me!!
Funny when thinking back on that story, but for me I know that this was one part of another illusion for me, how much am I worthy.
If we take this to the fact that as adults, we're supposed to follow different paths that are expected of us. And we're taught how to do it, either it's a job or it's in other parts of life. Put that on top of a quicksand of illusions and then it's suddenly very understandable that we don't reach our potential at all. And Abundance....? We don't even know where to look!!
For me, to dive into the unknown part of myself, is a huge adventure! And every time I do it, something new revels that brings me closer to the real me, out of the quicksand of illusions, I feel stronger, more worthy, more loving and more determined to do my best in whatever situation I'm in. Whether it's in a job or private.
And that's my wish for today, that more and more out there will take the first step out of illusions to find their power!