Last week we spoke about intuition, Guy, and that made me realise how important it is to be aware of how we communicate
We have an intuitive communication that says so much more than words, yet when we talk about communication, we talk about how we put words together into sentences. Where do these words come from? We know that we think in sentences, we speak our thoughts out loud when we speak to ourselves, so do they come from our thoughts? If they do, how do babies think, as we can see they do, from how they study their surroundings—when they have no vocabulary as yet?
Or is there more to it? Listen to the words you use, how much of them are repetitive of your father’s or your mother’s words and sentences? Or read in a book, maybe used by a teacher… Taken without doubt as the truth and communicated out to the world, like an echo, or maybe a parrot?
How do we teach our children to speak? “Can you say ‘mama’? Can you say ‘daddy’? Can you say ‘cat’?” And the baby repeats and get rewarded with smiles and funny reactions in order to be encouraged to repeat more.
At what point do we stop repeating? And what about those words we use, what happens to them as soon as they’re spoken? Do they disappear into nothing, gone forever?
And how do we interpret those words speaking to us? Now we’re back to our brain again, with its old programmes running…
There is even more to it: Have you ever thought, dear reader, that your face and your body send a huge message to the world about who you are?
Your outlook is genetic; it doesn’t just tell the world who your parents and grandparents were, it also tells the world what your strengths are and what your challenges might be! And it tells a lot about what tools your brain uses in its interpretation process!
We know it, don’t we? What kind of face is it that demands respect? Look around at those in your environment right now, how different they all are. Look at the shape of the forehead, look at how the eyes are placed in the eye-socket, the cheek bones… What about the nose? What do we say to each other; “she is very curious; she puts her big nose into everything…” Or: “ He has a very weak chin, I don’t trust him…” What about the mouth, does it turn up, like you always smile, or down, as if you’re always in a bad mood?
Our facial traits and our body shape tell a story about the uniqueness of each and every one of us! Have you ever thought about the fact that we are 7 billion people on Earth, yet no one looks exactly like you? Even identical twins have small differences, maybe invisible to most people, but their family would know! What is the purpose of that? I guess the earlier scientific explanation would be that we need to be able to recognise each other as friends or enemies in order to survive. But we are just a body, with a brain, with all we need to survive. For what? Making new babies to keep life going?
We are so much more, Guy, and we know it. We are emotional, we are intuitive; we are a body-mind-soul connection. So there must be more to it—can’t be by accident!
The language of our outlook is instinctual; it is a language we use every day. Most of us can’t exactly put it into words, but if you think about it, you know you use it. Science has studied it, and it seems that if a couple have a certain amount of similar facial traits, there is a greater chance that their relationship will last. They have even shown that a married couple may develop a similar outlook as time goes by!
I was thinking of that once whilst walking behind an old couple holding hands. They were walking very slowly, as they both were limping on the same foot, and were both leaning to the left side. It was like the experiences in life had blown them into this position; their footsteps were in sync and they were walking at the same pace. You could see they had been together for a lifetime. And I was wondering: how to they communicate? Do they have to do that at all anymore? When they state an opinion to someone, is it their own or is it mutual—an opinion they have agreed on having?
We often do that, don’t we? So many of those messages we send out in the world, is something we’ve adopted from other people, without even considering if it’s still our truth!
I know a very nice man. He is a very good talker—but not so good a listener though… He can talk about anything. He is easy to like, when you meet him for the first time, he doesn’t seem to judge you, whatever you have to tell him, but when getting closer to him, there is seemingly nothing behind those words! Just words, put together in sentences, used again and again, and when you try to get a hold on what he’s talking about, there is nothing!
He says a lot when communicating like this! He is that kind of a man other people talk about, not necessarily because they admire him, but because he never keeps his word! He says one thing and does the complete opposite! He speaks what he believes other people want to hear in order to like him, yet he has facial traits that tell his real story. And we become confused!
This man often talks about how he is tired of being misunderstood! He only wants to have a good life, a good relationship with his partner and his family; he tries his very best to cover it all up. He is sure that he communicates the truth of who he is, as he never turns inward to ask himself if it is so.
So he gets depressed. He doesn’t sleep at night. He has pains in his body and he doesn’t do anything about his situation. He is so used to not being understood, that he immediately presumes he’s not! So in order to be sure he is not misinterpreted, he does all he can to convince the other party. By talking with big words, all the time, not letting other people talk at all.
When knowing that our facial traits tell a story about the authentic you, what happens when we change our outlook with an operation? Or use all kinds of remedies in order to remove wrinkles and show the world a young face, no matter how old we get? Can you imagine what kind of mixed messages we send out?
What about our actions? This is indeed communication too! If what you say doesn’t match your actions, is it your words or your actions that tell the real story? We all know it, how easy it is to make plans; tomorrow I’ll start exercising, start on this wonderful diet in order to lose weight; stop smoking… So when we postpone, we come up with excuses. Do we believe in these excuses? Do we believe in other people’s excuses? Maybe the first time, but do we continue to believe them?
I was taking a walk in the woods yesterday and listening to the birds singing. This time of year is beautiful in Norway; it’s as if the whole of nature is filled with love and joy after a long winter, and the birds state it with their song. The trees and all the flowers—the energy was amazing, and I could feel the vibration from the different birds singing. That made me think of how our words have vibrations too. And how we all talk, make sounds in some way, with vibrations that have an impact at our cellular level. Seven billion participants in a huge orchestra, sending vibrations into the atmosphere, in an on-going symphony… Can you see the picture? In that scale it suddenly becomes clearer how our words are not only words—they are actually creating our consciousness!
We were talking the other day, Guy, of how artworks and written words hold on to the frequencies of their creator, for centuries. It is possible to measure this, and if written words keep having an impact on the world with their frequencies for so long, what about the spoken word? Then we also get the tone of voice, the expression from the speaker; the connection between the facial traits, the shape of the body and what is said. Is it authentic?
Where do your words end?
We all use our communication to manipulate, to some extent. We act according to our belief systems and in order to get it right, we need our surroundings to believe us and act the way we expect them to. I know a family where one of the daughters learned very early to manipulate her parents so she didn’t have to do her tasks. She acted helpless and clumsy, she started to cry and talk like she was a little girl… As she got older, that became a pattern, and she still gets her way with her father this way—even now when she is grown up…
There is something else here too: How do we interpret what is communicated to us? How often do we listen to what others communicate, without even listening at all? We just wait until it’s our turn to speak, running the same old program. It is like we’ve heard it all before, we know what they’re going to say. We have our arguments ready so we can tell the other party the truth as soon as they stop talking. And we even believe we can change other people in this way.
It is a trap so easy to fall into, when working with other human beings. If we don’t acknowledge our conversation partner’s absolute sovereignty over their words, we’re not getting anywhere. If we use books and theory, believing that it is our level of intelligence that gives the right to be holding the truth, we need to get ourselves another job!
Now, Guy, I really look forward to read what you have to say, here. This is your profession and I have so many questions, as you see! How can you, as a Transformational and Ontological coach, with language as one of your most important tools, shed more light on communication?
Well, Kari, I daresay that you’ve left no stone unturned! A wonderful topic though, and central to what Ontology is all about! You are quite correct in that becoming more aware of our intuition is one thing—applying it to our everyday lives is something else altogether, yet because this very much includes our perception of communication, the two are intertwined.
So let’s call it Intuitive Communication for the sake of clarity. We can most certainly learn to read all the signs as to how we communicate, be it vocally or physically, yet our intuition and instinct still play a major role when it comes down to interpreting how to communicate with others, and how they communicate with us.
Just like many other things in life, as a child it is very much about learning, but at the same time it’s about feeling. We’re getting to know how we respond emotionally to certain objects, circumstances and people. We’re also learning of the emotional responses others have towards the things we do. We feel our way, at first, poking, prodding, tasting; even some things that would horrify our parents if they knew!
Long before we learn to speak and build a vocabulary, we’ve already become proficient communicators, if you think about it. As a baby, we screw up our face and yell when we’re hungry, or if we’ve made a doo-doo in our nappy. Even whilst still in the womb, we kick and shift when restless…
Our language is limited, yet we make ourselves understood! Even as our eyes are developing their focus, and all we can see is colours and shapes, we still smile, point and say, “Gooo-gooo…” Our parents agree with us knowingly and, like idiots, make similar noises in response… It’s all about communication and it’s all in language.
As we grow older and as our vocabulary expands, we understand better the things that work well for us. We also start developing an ego, and this is where things can go pear-shaped, by developing negative habitual behaviour, as was the case with the girl you mentioned, Kari, who found she got what she wanted by adopting the ‘poor-me’ attitude. By employing these tactics to get her every desire from just one or two people (her parents), is she ultimately finding happiness? More than likely the opposite, because not everyone would be drawn in by her behaviour. She ends up using it as a crutch, and a very difficult crutch to let go of at that!
You raised a very important question, Kari, by musing as to where the words go once they’re spoken, or thought. Where indeed? Well, our language, however we communicate, whether with spoken or written word, thought or action, is committed to the Universe from the instant of its birth. And it goes out there as energy.
Bear in mind that energy can neither be created nor destroyed—it just is, eternally. It flows through us, and everything, and there is only one source; one origin... Yes, energy takes on different forms and operates along many dimensions and paradigms, yet it is still simply energy.
So everything that we think, all that we say, and each action we take in language, is ultimately energy, and as such, never, ever ceases to exist. EVER! Once it’s out there, it’s out there for all of eternity. Take a moment to allow that consideration to sink in a little. We can never undo what we communicate to the Universe… If, let’s say, you were able to ascertain that your communication through your language was predominantly negative, you’d be wanting to change that pretty smartly, wouldn’t you?
All your life, you’ve been spewing an endless stream of mostly negative energy out there, just like a chemical factory belching Ozone-destroying gasses into the atmosphere, year after year, decade after decade… And just like the factory management might say, “But our health and safety record is impeccable”, it makes very little difference in terms of what you attract, if you say your prayers morning and night.
Most of us think that if we’re making the right noises, then we should receive. I’m afraid I have to break it to you, folks—going through the motions just doesn’t cut it! As Kari mentioned, very often the image we try and project to the world (and try to convince ourselves of), is not reflected by our Way of Being, which always tells the truth. Admittedly, some people ‘hide’ it better than others, although, albeit unconsciously, they’re only fooling themselves.
The Universe works very simply, actually, and pretty much like an aboriginal Boomerang—whatever you send out there will always come back to you. And if you’re sending out more negative energy than positive energy, what do you reckon you’ll be attracting back?
I’ll use Facebook as an example to illustrate my point: Every day I scroll through a seemingly endless stream of posts, some of which are positive and share messages of joy, gratitude and positive vibes, whilst others are about ‘doom and gloom’, focusing on death, poverty, abuse, war and politics…
Let’s firstly look at the latter. I understand and accept that social media networks are largely responsible for creating awareness of the travesties around the world, which does result in positive action taking place at some point. What concerns me is the focus we give to negative drama! Now, I accept that there are many who won’t agree with me on this point, yet I would like for you, dear readers, to comprehend what energies you play with when engaging in this kind of thinking.
To illustrate this, I’d like to share a quote from Wallace D. Wattles in his book, The Science of Generating Wealth (as my mentor and friend, Rod Finnie, reformulated it for the 21 Century):
“There is no labour from which most people shrink as they do from that of sustained and consecutive thought. It is the hardest work in the world. This is especially true when truth is contrary to appearances. Every appearance in the visible world tends to produce a corresponding form in the mind which observes it, and this can only be prevented by holding the thought of the TRUTH.
“To look upon the appearances of poverty will produce corresponding forms in your own mind, unless you hold to the truth that there is no poverty; there is only abundance.
“To think health when surrounded by the appearances of disease or to think wealth when in the midst of the appearances of poverty requires power, but whoever acquires this power becomes a mastermind. That person can conquer fate and can have what he wants.”
Know what it is you’re working with and how it forms part of your journey or calling, before committing it to the Universe!
The same applies to the former statement about sharing positive posts. More than just ‘liking’ and ‘sharing’, what does each and every message say to you? Do they resonate with your Way of Being? Are they simply ‘filling in’ for all the things you wish you might be? Are you sharing this stuff to make yourself appear a certain way, and if so, what is missing for you? I’ll get to this later in the conversation, but for now I’d like you to ponder these questions deeply!
How then, does communication come into the equation?
We generally tend to think of communication in terms of literal interaction with other people, be it face-to-face, texting or messaging, emailing and so on. Well, we’re always communicating in one form or another, yet what’s important to understand here is not so much the action of communication, but what it constitutes as a manifestation of our Way of Being—and we engage with the world accordingly.
We are communicating with both animate objects (people, pets and the like) and with inanimate objects. How often do you stub your toe on something and take out your anger and pain on the ‘offending’ object? Something I’m admittedly guilty of is yelling at my computer, or my Internet connection, when it’s not doing what I expect of it. What of the runner who kisses the ground on completion of a marathon, or the person who talks so lovingly to their plants?
The communication is endless and we really need to become more aware; more accountable of who we are and how we create within that cycle!
How then, Kari, do you propose we grasp the importance of becoming better observers in our daily communications, and how do we go about manifesting positive change in our lives as a result?
I love what you’re saying about growing up and developing a language, Guy! It is so amazingly individual and unique and yet we don’t reflect upon it at all.
Isn’t the answer right there? What did you learn back then, growing up, that you believed was right? What is it that may have been right, at one point in your life that you have now outgrown but is still interfering unconsciously in your communication?
There is one thing that always comes up for me, when we talk about changes. I am sure I have said this before, but I gladly repeat myself: How are we able to know what to change in order to get what we want, if we don’t know who we are; if we have given the truth about ourselves away to those who are just waiting to give us their misguided interpretation of who we are?
We use our consciousness, don’t we? We are consciously aware of the signals from others, how they react to our plans, our goals, our wishes and desires. But have you ever thought of what consciousness really is? It is what we know so far in our life! And what we know so far has brought us where we are today. What we know right now, is what we have to plan our future with; it is what we communicate with and it is what we believe in!
So what if we, through our interpretations and misinterpretations, have learned that we are not smart enough, not interesting enough; that we’re not allowed to talk before getting permission, like I told you about in an earlier conversation—then what?
All this creates unconscious, negative programs, like when you enter a website and there are 3-4-5 programs running behind it. You’re unaware of them; you only experience your computer working slower… And that is exactly what these unconscious negative programs in our mind do; they cause us to operate slower…
And it is so noticeable in our communications! Most of us are certain that the way we interpret what happens in our daily lives is correct! It feels right, especially when we can blame others for our problems, and if someone tells us we’re wrong, we may become quite irritated! We feel that we’re not understood; that the person we talk to doesn’t want to listen to what we’re trying to say.
What if it actually isn’t you who is communicating? Isn’t it your helplessness, aren’t you victimising yourself? Don’t you give away your power to other people’s misinterpretations? Believing their misinterpretations possess more power than ours?
What is it that we use to understand, to analyse situations? What is it that we use to judge each other? Again, it is what we already know!
It is NEVER people or circumstances outside of you that have determined the result of the life you’re living, is it, Guy?
Everything we say, everything we think, is our own. And our unconsciousness is listening! Our cells are listening! Our DNA (which, by the way, is very conscious!) is listening! The problem is that there is nothing, anywhere, either in your brain or in your cells, that says: “I don’t think she meant what she said, when she said that she is not worthy, not good enough, not interesting enough. Let’s forget what she said and give her what we know is best for her.”
And even more importantly, the same goes for the listeners to your communication! Often he or she will show by their actions that you’re right! If they don’t, you’ll probably dislike them and walk away! Until you are ready to face those misinterpretations of yours…
Think about that for a moment! You have absolute free will to communicate what you want, to think what you want—it is all your responsibility. Your cells are listening, and they give you what you ask for!
I use to explain it to my clients this way:
The leader cell shouts out to all the other cells: “Hey you all! Did you hear what our boss wants? She wants to feel miserable! She wants evidence that the world is a really bad place! COME ON, EVERYBODY! Let’s do our VERY best, all of us, let’s do a better job than we have EVER done before, so that she’s pleased with us!! And don’t hesitate to give her that little bit extra…”
You get what you ask for. And your surroundings answer this unconscious communication. They support you; they show you that you’re right, and even if you can feel they’re not doing you any good, it still seems like you’re not able to let go.
Because you continue to use the things you already know, you continue to communicate they way you always have, your neutral, synaptic brain continues to send its electrical signals along the same pathways.
There is one thing you mentioned, that I’d like to go back to, Guy. You spoke about how we create an ego in our early years. For some reason ego has turned up to be wrong, that we need to get rid of our ego! I was listening to an interview with a famous guru a little while ago, claiming he did not have an ego anymore…
What? Who are you if you don’t have any ego? You have no possibility of growing without being someone! Everything we humans do, we do from our ego. It is our brain, it is what we use to interpret the world, and it is our communication and our actions!
And, it is our ego that in the end pushes us to start making changes in our life. When our ego’s patterns of behaviour don’t suit us anymore…
When the ego’s behaviour in our loved ones doesn’t suit us anymore…
Then we start to communicate differently, don’t we, Guy. Other people in our surroundings start reacting differently to our communication; it is like a door opens up for us. We start to see other qualities within those who used to irritate us; we start to see that we misinterpreted them. And also ourselves…
Now I’ve spoken at length about these patterns of communication, Guy. How can you enlighten us so that we might develop a clearer awareness of what kind of patterns to look for?
Oh Kari, thank you for drawing attention to the matter of our ego, because there is, as you say, part of us that cannot do without the ego. In fact it plays a critical role in our communication, as we strive to be successful.
Aside from those residing in the darkest depths of Scarcity, in apathy and catatonia, we are all seeking to make a success of our life, whatever the individual interpretation may be. Our ego provides us with the necessary drive to accomplish and gives us pride in what we do. It also helps us to set goals for ourselves and, when needed, assists us in taking a stand in our power.
The ego also gives us the ability to communicate the most difficult word to say, whatever the language: NO! Haven’t we all heard our mothers, our pillars of strength, say, “N.O. means no!” and no matter how hard we try, beg and plead, she stands firmly by her decision…
In our everyday lives though, it isn’t quite so easy. You see, our authority as a parent (and especially as a mother) is instinctual and is a given, not to be questioned or disobeyed. For so many of us, myself included, we’re always trying to please and appease. We give so much of ourselves, believing that we need to impress, or do good, or we say, “well I’m just the giving type,” without considering whether or not we are capable of following through with each and every demand placed upon us.
So we’re always saying “yes, sure”—knowing full well that we won’t follow through with what’s asked of us. How often do we make bold yet empty promises that never reach fruition? Well it’s time to work on that!
Saying “no” is by no means negative. When we can authentically decline, we command respect. We also communicate to the world that we cannot be taken advantage of, and that, when we do say “yes”, we do so from the strength of our Way of Being, in full consciousness of our accountability to our word. We add value and trust to our communication, which expands to our circle of influence, and the Universe beyond.
I spoke earlier about sharing positive posts online, yet still knowing there’s something missing. What you’re missing is the real meaning of who YOU are! Passing on the energy and sentiment of others isn’t benefiting you in any way at all. You read a message, you ‘like’ it and you ‘share’ it, and it’s gone—you’re on to the next positive statement someone else wrote, believing you can fill the missing gap. Yet that gap continues to yawn at you, and it’s a bottomless pit of fear.
Try sharing what YOU believe! Communicate to the world what resonates within you—share less of other people’s thoughts and beliefs and more of your own. Don’t ever be afraid to come out from behind the superficial façade of how you’d like others to perceive you, and show them who you really are. Share your power! It’s so much better, and will improve your self-esteem and self-confidence no end, as you see others begin to acknowledge your authority!
Now, Kari, I’d like to talk about that aspect of our communication that we pay so little attention to: the Language of our Way of Being—specifically our body language.
I realise that it’s too large a topic to cover fully in one conversation, and you’ve already made mention of how our facial characteristics project what we really feel so much more than words…
In Martial Arts, we learn to appraise our opponent’s entire body, or form, in order to gain the advantage of ‘knowing’ what their intent may be. The faintest twitch in our opponent’s composure might signal an impending attack, which could be intercepted even before it’s begun. Then again, if we’re aware of how effectively we communicate via body language, we might project a feinted intent, eliciting a premature response from the opponent, giving us the advantage over them.
Body language is employed in other circumstances too—if you recognise the term ‘poker face’, where a card player gives away only what they want other players to discern.
We are physically communicating so much more than we are conscious of. Let’s take the simple hug. Just the other day, a dear friend detected a certain resistance or holding-back in my Way of Being, just by a hug… She said that I was not embracing with the upper part of me, where my heart is, because I had been let down or hurt in the past, causing me to withhold that part of my trust. It’s interesting, because although I have been emotionally wounded many times in the past, I still see myself as a loving, caring person. Indeed I am intrinsically loving and caring—I was just completely unaware of this projected reticence…
I was most grateful to my friend, because now I have a new distinction made apparent to me, that I can focus on in order to defuse that barrier of resistance from my Way of Being.
The subject of hugging then gave rise to yet another important realisation, this time in my spoken language! My family has always been very close-knit, loving and supportive, yet we have never said the words: “I love you” to each other. Sure, we communicate this love in other ways, yet never verbally.
Another close friend reminded me only last evening of the importance of saying, “I love you”, and how she had influenced her family over the years to use those words openly and meaningfully with one another, along with a good, warm hug. Truly wonderful!
So I learn each day! And so too, could you!
When advising as to how to go about communicating more effectively, I have a few simple suggestions to offer:
Start by taking more notice of YOU! Become more aware of your interactions with the world at large. Observe your posture when you feel a change in your mood—how does your posture change as a result? Or conversely, how does your posture affect your mood?
How does your language impact others and do you consider the consequences of your words before speaking? What kinds of language, both body and spoken, trigger negative emotions within you, and which trigger positive emotions?
You know, Kari, given that this a very broad topic, as I said earlier, I would like to continue this thread through to our next conversation, and talk about Language.
(Illustration by Laurie Lipton)