Last week you asked an amazing question, Guy: “Who am I?” I remember back in my schooldays, we once were placed into small groups to discuss that question, and what I remember the most is how completely blank I was! I had absolutely no ideas at all, as to how to answer a question like that! The only thing I could think of was WHAT I was, not WHO I was…
Well, I have improved, and last week’s conversation lead me to another question: Can You Love Yourself as Who You Are?
You and I talk a lot about love, Guy. For me it’s the only thing that is real, and it’s everywhere! Look at nature! Almost every single plant represents either food or medicine for both humans and animals! And what about animals? They can be our best friends, yet they can also give us peace of mind and food on the table. What about water? Everything we need is in nature… Is that by accident?
Newborn babies need love to grow; children need love to develop into balanced grown-ups. As we get older, we search for love; we want someone that can fill all the empty space inside—our better half, so to speak. That is something we do all our life and as the world opens up we see that there are so many amazing ways to love!
Yet it all comes from the same source. We are complex beings, Guy, aren’t we? Born into this world, to yet another lifetime, and we’ve forgotten how it works. We have to learn it all again. And as I answered you last week, I am an eternal energy living in my body—I feel that very clearly, without any doubt at all! As we all are! And as that energy, we come here, again and again, to create our world and the Universe through our evolution!
I often miss logical thinking when we speak of spiritual things, like it is two different worlds. It actually reflects our physical brain, doesn’t it, where we have an analytic left hemisphere and a creative right hemisphere? When these two hemispheres work together in balance and harmony, without the one dominating the other, humans can really accomplish amazing results. Yet we are more often dominated by the left hemisphere with its logical and analytic side…
This is where we establish our ego, which we have learned we need to reject. And here is a part where I miss logical sense! Why do we have an ego if we’re supposed not to?
It is our ego that gives us that inner drive to go on; it is our ego that tells us how to live and act in the world. It is a great part of your self-trust and self-confidence—and the first part of our lives, actually as long as 30 years, we develop our ego and learn to experience ourselves in the world. And our brain needs 22-25 years to develop; we are not fully capable to understand consequences of our actions until that’s done.
To get rid of our ego is the same thing as letting go of the drive to develop. We will act by our ego; we will have consequences, and in time we will learn... It is an important part of our development and we need to experience ourselves through our ego in order to manifest the person we want to be!
We need to experience life. And in order to experience, we need a ‘wanting’ ego! Some chose to give their lives over to a god, and live in a monastery their whole life, where they use their days to study Holy Scriptures and pray. Now we talk about letting go of ego; this is a life where the monks and the nuns learn to be satisfied with as little as possible so that nothing distracts them from their calling. This is a life of inner spiritual work and I’m sure it is a good life, yet still it is like giving one’s life away to a greater force, not being able to see that humans are of the same power.
When I was a child I learned that if I didn’t obey God, I would be deeply punished! And as I always have tried to figure out how things work, I made the assumption that I was a bad person, in fact we all were bad people and that poor God had a lot of frustrations because of all the things we did wrong! So I did my best to help Him, thinking that if I managed to do it all right, He would have one person less to be frustrated with!
Well, that was impossible… And the consequences were a belief system that said I was not worthy of love, if I didn’t earn it.
That was before I learned more as to how we develop! As we grow we slowly, step by step, hopefully with guidance from loving parents, learn how to act in the world. So what about life beyond the age of 30?
What happens when that period is over? Now we take what we’ve learned out into the world. We develop careers, we start to raise a family, we broaden our experiences and at some point we end up realising that half of our life is already gone and we start questioning: “Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?”
That is actually around the age of 40! Astrologers will tell us that the huge and far away planet, Uranus, is a planet that affects great changes in our life. It takes 84 years for Uranus to return to the same place it was at our birth! And it does affect us for a twelve-year period (from our birth to the time of puberty) before it fades away. And as we get closer to 40, Uranus is reaching the opposite side of where it was at our birth and it starts to affect us again. It actually pushes us out of our comfort zone; it is time to get real! Are you on your right path? Have you made the right choices for yourself? If not, it is time to do so!
We all know this, don’t we? Something happens to us when we reach 40… I myself became really ill and I had to let go of everything I believed I needed in life! I’m not alone in that, most of us experience something at that age, like divorce, or loss of jobs and friends, which in turn leaves us completely confused and we need to change!
Twelve years is a long time! I became ill when I was 42—so much so that I wasn’t able to work anymore and everything I believed in fell apart. Now I’m 54, twelve years later! I am a completely different person today—my whole life has changed!
Isn’t this amazing, Guy? And then again, how often do we blame ourselves for things we’ve said and choices we’ve made? What about self-judgment? Why is it that it is so difficult to love ourselves as we are?
All our actions are a reflection of our mind! I start with questioning logical sense when we speak of spirituality! In a world where we are so intelligent, we still believe that there is something out there that is to blame for all the bad things in life! It is still an often-heard argument: If there is a God, why doesn’t He do anything with all the bad things happening? Or we reject that there is anything out there. How is it possible to reject what is right in front of our noses? We just need to open our eyes to see it!
I spoke with a friend a few days ago who absolutely disagrees with me in my understanding of the world. And as I’m very positive about the future, and strongly believe that we have passed a milestone, we’re about to change as we become more and more conscious. He, on the other hand, just as strongly believes that history will repeat itself! It always has! And it always will!
Here are two completely different realities! We have known each other for almost twenty years, and once we were closer in our belief systems. We’re of the same age; he also had his experiences around 40 and he is also at the end of this changing period. His conclusions are different—and that is great!
His conclusions make it difficult for him to love himself! He doesn’t think he’s worthy; he’s made too many wrong decisions in his life. So in order to make up for that, he tries to be a good friend and a good person to people close to him, when he can! A belief system that says history repeats itself again and again, also says there is no moving forward—just going in circles.
The only way out of it, is to start loving yourself, just as you are, using your common sense… You have to live with yourself anyway, for as long as you live, so why not fall in love with yourself?
Well Guy, what about you? I do strongly believe that you love yourself as you are, as you are a very balanced person! But I do look forward to read what you have to say about this, as in balance it is safe to open your eyes and see what’s really going on in life!
You are absolutely right, Kari—in this world of illusions, the only thing that is real is Love! More importantly though, how can we experience the reality of love if we cannot first love ourselves for who we are?
I’m grateful too, that you have provided us all with some clarity regarding what most people might call a ‘Midlife Crisis’! I too went through this very cycle until you made me aware of the universal connection! At the age of 39, I went through a divorce, and it was just before my 42 birthday that I realised a major change was upon me—this was when I decided to become an Ontological Coach, not for a change in career, but in order to heed what was calling me forth.
The funny thing is that I believe in my ‘eternal youth’, so I never considered the concept of being in midlife for an instant! What’s important though, is that I realised that my change could only come from within, and I was willing to let go of all the external factors and circumstances that had led me to that point in my life. I wanted to start with a clean slate and delve into that which I knew nothing about, and which I’d never experienced before. I wanted to find love within…
What many do though is to believe that by changing their car (and buying the clichéd Harley Davidson, bandanna, leathers and all), changing their career, their partner or their location, would bring about what the soul yearns for—and this is the greatest of illusions. We end up searching forever and never quite feeling content with our lives.
We are all familiar with the saying: “Love is where the heart is.” Yet this is the ultimate truth, because our heart is not ‘out there’—it resides within us, and this is where we must begin our process of change.
Let us look firstly at what love really is, aside from the emotional connotations, because we tend to generalise love as being either magnificent or deeply hurtful, and this leads to people becoming deluded with the interpretation.
In the simplest terms, Love=Abundance and Fear=Scarcity.
Love is an eternal, quantum energy. It creates and it manifests according to how we choose to Be. Fear is where we are influenced by negativity, anger, animosity and pain. Love and Fear are the two opposing spectrums of our Way of Being, where we choose either one or the other. In most cases though, we vacillate between both, and this is where we become disillusioned with the concept of Love.
I’m reminded of the song Tina Turner sang back in 1993, called “What’s love got to do with it”, where her lyrics refer to love as a “second-hand emotion” and “who needs a heart when a heart can be broken”… An iconic song, yet very much based in the Scarcity of her emotional turmoil caused by ‘other’ people…
Assuming that this is not the experience of love you would want for yourself, then why continue to choose it? Those who continuously seem to go through bad relationships have a dismal view of love and what it represents in their lives. Yet this is a reactionary approach, and purely on a superficial level. With barriers like this, it is impossible to love yourself as you are, and invariably results in a gradual decline into apathy, and eventually catatonia.
So we need to ‘be’ a certain way in order for us to experience Love in its broader context. Once we reach this point, our entire world opens in a kaleidoscope of love, where everything in it mirrors our Way of Being through the state of wonder we exude.
Even in the most catastrophic of circumstances, one can see how love shines through. When a major disaster takes place in the world, we always see and hear of the profound acts of love that take place. As curious as this may seem, whenever I see how people come together so selflessly to give comfort and assistance, or help save lives of humans and animals alike, I am encouraged to believe that there is hope for unified human consciousness. Indeed, it is through these terrible events that we are able to witness Love at its purest and most unconditional amongst human beings.
In times of mortal calamity, the natural human instinct is towards love. In fact, the body of all beings defaults to self-preservation at all costs when faced with imminent extinction—and this in its very essence is love. We see defiance in the face of death, and acts of magnificent bravery and kindness. Even the colossal, almost inhuman strength that the body holds in reserve for extreme and unconscious feats… Just yesterday I saw a photograph of a burnt-out car, where a man had bent the top half of the car door at ninety degrees with his bare hands, so as he might extricate the driver from the wreck in time to save their life. This is the balance of life—the ultimate expression of love.
And when we witness such love, do our hearts not expand in tenderness?
How about that feeling which infuses your very being whenever you hold a puppy or a kitten? The love we experience is without condition—it simply is… And in that moment, all fears, worries, concerns and expectations seem to vanish. Do you realise that this is a state of heightened consciousness, and that your soul is vibrating at a much higher level—one that is ideal for receiving?
Would you not prefer to have that same kind of loving energy when you look at yourself in the mirror, or when you’re thinking about all that you want in your life? It is the key to loving yourself as who you are, and it is possible for all of us.
Why then, are most of us not able to experience this love for ourselves? Well, it’s because of all those stories we’ve collected about ourselves, throughout our lives—interpretations of what other people think of us and say about us, and we hold these stories as the truth about “who I really am.”
Yet how can all of these interpretations and reflections be our truth if, as Kari mentioned at the beginning of the conversation, Love is the only thing that is real, and which is all around us?
The world is full of hardship, struggle, violence and strife—at least that’s how the world appears to those who cannot love themselves. Loving oneself begets a capacity to give love to all around us. Nothing is ugly and nobody is bad. Everything and everyone is deserving of your love—most of all YOU!
Kari, I’m eager to hear from you how kinetics plays a role in manifesting this self-love we all possess, yet for the most part, are completely unaware of.
Well, as for kinetics that has to do with how we move our body, which also give us our body language. And think of it, the way we move says a lot about how we feel about ourselves!
And again, we are amazing! There is such beauty in this! We are actually able to change the chemistry in our brain and by that, change our emotions, by changing our posture and the way we move!
A person that loves him-or herself will show that in body posture and movement; straight, but still relaxed, proud and energetic, meeting the eyes of other people, speaking in positive and respectful ways and finding it easy to encourage other people. The energy that this person sends out feels safe and attractive to other people.
The thing is that movement and body language like this causes the brain to send out a flow of feel-good hormones, resulting in a healthy body. And the same brain doesn’t care if this posture and movement is done wilfully or naturally—it reacts in the exact same way! So we can actually use this on purpose, by deciding to act like this on a daily basis!
I want to go back toy one thing you mentioned, Guy, about all these stories we’ve collected through the years. They are so important to be aware of! They are what we have to alter our circumstances today and the more we are aware of them, the easier it is to make new decisions.
I’ve said many times before that we have three kinds of consciousness, where two of them are constantly in use. The first one is the brain that practically isn’t anything other then a lot of synapses, emitting electrical signals. Those signals have patterns and the more those patterns are used, the more habits are formed. Some of them are good habits, whilst some are not so good.
The next consciousness is the emotional one. This is important, because feelings are involved in everything, and create your thought patterns, your health, your actions and your behaviour! While our physical body uses about 3-5 % of our DNA, 70-75% of it are our emotional triggers! It’s information in our cells, not only brain cells, but in every single cell of the body.
(The last consciousness is the spiritual one, by the way. It will not interfere with anything if we’re not ready to start using it.)
In order to love yourself as who you are, it is absolutely necessary that these two consciousnesses communicate in a balanced way. As long as we live in survival mode, it is our brain’s synaptic pattern that is in use. And again, the only thing the brain can do is to repeat old patterns when in this mode.
We “know” and we “understand” because we have experienced it before, tried it before; we have met those kinds of people before, so we “know” how they are. And when it comes to love: “I have been hurt before so one thing is for sure, I will never love again!” Or, “I am totally helpless if I don’t have anyone who loves me, so I’ll never give up finding my soul-mate! I know he or she is out there somewhere…”
To get out of survival mode is the only way to start using your emotional consciousness in a conscious way! And the only way to do so is to turn within, learn what’s going on, and feel the difference between synaptic consciousness and emotional, intuitive body consciousness. It’s there we find how unique we are, every single one of us!
Try telling your brain that you are unique, beautiful, powerful and special! I guess that only reading this turned on a couple of programs in your left hemisphere that quickly reminded you of everything that is wrong with that picture…
I once started to train as a coach, and on our first day’s training we were told to write a letter to that person we admired the most in our life. We were told to go into as much detail as possible about why we admired that person.
I had a lot of people I admired, but I decided to write a letter to my sister-in-law, and I told her how amazing I thought she was in every way. It ended up as a long letter, and I’m sure it could have been even longer, but the time ran out… Then we gave the letter to a partner who read it out loud.
I remember I felt so proud of my magnificent sister-in-law when my letter was read! So it came as a complete shock to me, when we where told that all the things we described about the person we admired, was about us! We actually described ourselves! Why? Because the only thing we are able to recognize and admire in another person, is our own qualities!
Isn’t that amazing, Guy? Now, you are a coach! In fact, an Ontological and Transformational Coach! How can you enlighten us more about this?
Oh Kari I so enjoyed reading of the exercise you did in coach training, and I will shortly offer a similar exercise that we might all benefit from. You see the world, and all those in it, as you are, and even though the outcome of your exercise might have been a surprise (and a very pleasant one at that!) it simply illustrated how beautifully you interpret the world you live in.
You might have found that another person would not have had as much to write, or the manner in which they wrote was stilted and in point form perhaps… The difference is that this is the boundless love you have for who you are, radiating out.
I must add here, dear readers, that when I am editing these conversations and formulating my responses, Kari always has so much to say, and so much to give, that I often have to whisper in her ear to make it a bit shorter! What I am saying is that there is so much love within, that it has to spill over and embrace the lives of others. And this is our mission, isn’t it Kari?
As you well know from our previous conversations, as well as our personal dialogue since we’ve known one another, Ontology is the study of one’s Way of Being. The three aspects that constitute our Way of Being, are our Body, our Moods and our Language—all working in unison and all continuously synchronising to make us who we are. This cycle never ends, and herein reside our limiting patterns of behaviour, which, if left unobserved, have the ability to keep us at a very low level of consciousness. This is the result of giving more attention to the mental consciousness you spoke of, Kari, and it’s very much superficial.
Our Language affects our Moods, which affects our Body—and vice versa! If we are able to change the manner in which we think to one of Abundance, through observing and changing our language, our moods (emotional state) will become more positive and generative as a result, and so too will our body (physicality) enjoy the effects of this change. I always find that if I engage in manifesting positive, loving energy, my entire way of being changes within a matter of minutes.
Today, as an example, I have had an extremely busy day, with pressures of deadlines, and work that needed to be delivered to my client; added to the news of a close and dear friend who is ill… After driving through rush-hour traffic, I arrived home, read through Kari’s response to this conversation, and began my own. I was feeling drained and tired, and my back muscles were aching. As I write these words though, all of that has lifted, and I feel refreshed and energised. These conversations always take me to a new level of thinking—beyond that of the physical enactment of my everyday life. This to me, is love…
We tend to become isolated in our three-dimensional idea of love and what it represents to us. Remember I said that love is a quantum energy; so much more than a “second-hand emotion” that’s here today and gone tomorrow.
Our soul feeds off and is nourished by love on its journey towards enlightenment, over many lifetimes. Our physical form, along with our three-dimensional world, is merely the vessel our soul occupies for the duration of this segment of its journey. Don’t you think then, that we owe it to our soul to provide it with all that it requires in order that it may flourish? And I don’t mean just maintaining a healthy body, but more a healthy and questioning mind!
We are gifted with consciousness so that we might spend the life we live acquiring knowledge, wisdom and Abundance. The choice to do so, however, is ours to make. It is a choice of first recognising, then relinquishing our past of Scarcity and reaching up for the highest possible expression of who we are! This Way of Being can only be achieved through realising that love is the key we use to access what is possible…
Let’s take a look in that mirror again, because herein lies the acid test of loving yourself for who you are. Don’t look away—hold your gaze for a moment to study your face and make eye contact with yourself. As you contemplate the person reflected in the mirror, bring to mind an image of what inspires that sensation of love in your being: the puppy, or that beautiful iridescent sunrise.
Now give that gift of love over to the human being gazing back at you. You will see that they share the same warmth in their eyes as you, the same smile of recognition and the same need to be loved for who they are. Say to the reflection in the mirror: “You are a caring, compassionate, creating and life-giving soul, with an abundance of love to share with yourself and with the world.” Do this every time you go to wash your face or brush your teeth, because, as they say, “sharing is caring”, and you need to give back to yourself, first and foremost!
As we near the end of this conversation, another song that comes to mind is one performed by The Troggs back in 1967 (the year I was born), and the lyrics open as follows:
“I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me and so the feeling grows
It is written on the wind, it's everywhere I go
So if you really love me, come on and let it show…”
There are no restrictions placed on love—it’s free and plentiful for all who choose it. So reach out for it, feel it, see it and embrace it as your very own!
Now, Kari, we’ve discussed the question of who we are, as well as that of loving ourselves for who we are, so I feel the natural progression is towards the human creative process. So for our next conversation, I will pose the question: “How do you find the Creator in you?”
(Illustration by unknown)